Letters Between Sundays

You never deserved what happened to you and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. If I could go back, I would make sure no monsters got into your castle. I told you it made you stronger and we could get through anything. I’m sorry I was so hard on you when it came to school, friends and family. I put a kind of pressure on you that no ten year old deserved.

I’m sorry I let you express who you were and get bullied everyday by how we looked. The eye bags underneath your sad eyes carried every emotion that we couldn’t feel. I’m sorry I changed you, I turned your soft gentle heart into a brick wall where no one could reach it.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold you when you were crying, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when things would happen to us, I shrugged it off and let it eat at our body until we decomposed. I’m sorry I never got help for us, I pretended that we were okay and smiled while holding back the tears. I’m sorry I let the darkness take over, I wish I could fix it now.

I made us grow up so fast due to our circumstances and we could never be a child again. I took your childhood away and I’m sorry no one noticed the scars, the burns, the trauma, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure out that we are not okay, it’s okay to cry, little me. It’s okay to be scared and not know what to do.

I’m sorry for not telling you I love you, instead I used words with hatred in them. I’m sorry we couldn’t look in the mirror and love what we saw. I’m sorry we coped like our family, we never deserved any of it.

Dear five year old me, always be fearless and stand up for yourself. You deserve to be heard and deserve to be loved. If forgiveness ever finds us, I won’t suffocate it with the baggage we carry. I promise, I won’t hurt you again.

Please forgive me.
Sincerely, us.