Letters Between Sundays

Grocery List: A Reflection on Faith and Healing

Regular Grocery List:
Eggs, Bread, Bananas, Apples, Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Carrots, Chicken, Rice, Pancake Mix

Bulimic Grocery List:
Chocolate double fudge cake, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Glazed Donuts, Nutella, Marshmallows, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Pizza, Garlic Bread, Bread, Peanut Butter, Chips, Tacos, Waffles, Water

Anorexic Grocery List:
Rice cakes, Gum, Suckers, Tea, Coffee, Saltine Crackers, Salad, Oranges

Ana and Mia is a love-hate relationship. As a disciple of God, I struggle daily not to go back to habits that feel good but are harmful. Not only do you control what goes in and out of your body, but you can also learn to love yourself. I don’t talk about my eating disorders much, because as a Christian, this is a sin I wrestle with weekly. People think it’s easy to eat well and live for God in His body, but some days are good, and others are a real struggle.

“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Scripture has been key in helping me navigate my eating disorder. Reading it once won’t fix everything. Reading it twenty times won’t automatically make life easier. But reading it consistently, having faith, and putting God before my looks makes bad days more manageable.

Being a woman comes with ever-changing beauty standards: one year thin lips, no boobs, big butt, blonde hair, brown eyes; the next year, big lips, no boobs, curvy body, curly hair, blue eyes. Models and influencers dominate social media. Men judge women. Generations pass down harmful food habits: this food is bad, that food is good. I lived in the world hating myself, obsessing over calories, and working out three times a day to reach “perfection.”

“He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.” – Psalms 103:3

When I came into God’s kingdom, I died to my old life and began living for Jesus. My body isn’t mine—it belongs to Him. I received the Holy Spirit and needed to care for the body God gave me. The guilt from starving or purging was overwhelming. I had shame and hatred for myself and stayed away from God for a long time.

During my sophomore year of college, after purging, I started having panic attacks that lasted hours. I prayed, promising God I would stop if He removed the panic, dissociation, and depersonalization. The next day, I felt His love. I began eating without restriction and gained weight—from 115 to 140 lbs in four months. I donated all my XS and S clothes, embraced my body, and didn’t deny food. My body stored everything because it was in fight-or-flight mode.

That summer, I was baptized, but a week later, I returned to old habits. I went from 140 lbs to 105 lbs in three months. For the last eight months, it’s been cycles of eating, not eating, and purging.

“I am beautifully and wonderfully made.” – Psalms 139:14

For three months, I’ve been free from eating disorder habits. The thoughts are still there, but with Jesus, I can fuel my body, enjoy food, and pray over meals. Some days are easy, others hard. Scripture, prayer, and the support of my sisters keep me grounded.

Becoming a disciple doesn’t erase struggles; sometimes it intensifies them. Satan attacks our vulnerabilities, and mine has been my appearance. Eating disorders come with body dysmorphia—your mind deceives you about your body. Putting God first, even with these thoughts, is a daily challenge.

Recently, I’ve noticed old habits creeping back: body checks, worrying about puffiness, burning calories, ensuring clothes fit. Making sure my fingers touch around my wrist. I know I’m putting my body above God right now and need to rely on Him.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” – Proverbs 31:30

Beauty doesn’t measure how much we praise God. I am His daughter and beautiful no matter my size. I can’t compare myself to the world. As a disciple, I dress for the Lord, eat and exercise normally, and care for my body—because that’s honoring Him.

Don’t give up. There’s always hope, and there’s always Jesus.