Letters Between Sundays

Because even without an earthly dad, I am never without a Father

“The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.” – Psalms 103:13

A part of me struggles to find security in knowing that God is my Father. He might not be here physically, but He gave us the Holy Spirit, who is with us all the time.

Growing up fatherless brought on a lot of issues as a young girl. I was always seeking male validation. It started with my older cousin—he took me under his wing. When I was little, he ended up going to juvie. It broke my heart to the point of me having mental breakdowns every day because of it. Why? Because he taught me what comfort was, what love is, and he took care of me.

Getting into my teen years, I started looking for male validation in teachers. I would act out to the point of getting suspended, hoping for a lecture from the teacher. There were times in high school when I would purposely get caught with drugs so the principal (who was a male) would talk to me and seem disappointed in me. Why would I do this? Because I wanted a male figure to care about my life—someone who was sincere and emotionally there for me. I would spend half my high school years with the principal. I felt love from him.

I did this with guys growing up as well. My first boyfriend was when I was 13. He gave me the wrong kind of attention, took advantage of me, and was abusing me. I honestly didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that I had a male figure who “loved” me. By the age of 18, I had gone 5 years without a boyfriend or a guy in my life. If you’re a girl who struggles with “daddy issues,” you understand that you would do anything for male attention. I mean anything. Your insecurity of not feeling loved starts to take over. You start to flirt and play mind games with the football coach. You see what you can get away with by using your body. You start to understand their weaknesses and manipulate them into emotionally validating you. You get so good at it that you can get anyone wrapped around your finger.

Coming into the church with these motives was very difficult. Do you want to take a guess on how I came into the church? You guessed it—it was a guy. God knew my weakness. He knew in order to get my attention, He had to use a guy. I wish this wasn’t my weakness. I’ve been told that I can feel nothing, or I can feel everything. This is true—I’m extreme, and it’s not really a good thing. My emotions are so up and down that even I get confused.

There are a lot of men in the church that I look up to. I appreciate them so much that it actually hurts my heart. Sometimes I think too much about it and start to pull away because I’m not their actual daughter. Being close with families makes me think about what I’ve been missing out on—how I never had a father care for me or read me bedtime stories. Sometimes I envy the fathers’ relationships with their daughters. Sometimes when talking to these fathers, I go back to my old ways of flirting and manipulating. I catch myself before it gets too far—sometimes I do it without even noticing, and I have to repent. My struggles with being fatherless don’t just impact my relationships with the fathers in the church. They impact the brothers as well.

When doing my Bible studies, I’ve had to learn how not to flirt with the brothers in the church. Learning how to do this was very difficult in the moment. I wasn’t really close with the sisters, and I loved the attention that I was getting from the brothers. I felt loved, safe, protected, and seen. In the beginning, that wasn’t enough. I found their weaknesses and played on them. After a while, I felt empty and alone. Satan got to me and made me feel disgusting and worthless. I had to do a lot of soul searching to find out that the one true person to give me love like a father is God.

God knows me inside and out. He knew what I was going to struggle with and when I would need Him the most—but I never came to Him. I sought out the brothers and found my security in them. That didn’t last long, because it’s not their job to make me feel that way.

I struggled with knowing that God loved me for who I was and that He wasn’t going to leave like all the other father figures did in my life. I had to trust that He truly, deeply loved me. He literally died on the cross for me. He took my sins away and made me free. He knows what I need and gives it to me. He goes before me to protect me. He has His angels surrounding me. He truly loves me, and nothing can compare to that love. Instead of running to a boyfriend or confiding in a brother, I need to run to Jesus. I need to talk and express everything to God. He will always listen and care for me.

I’m reading a book at the moment called Secure in Heart. It’s about how you need to be secure in God’s love. The chapter I’m on is called Will I Be Alone? We need to trust God to be our comforter. It’s funny, because all the chapters I’ve read so far have connected to what I was struggling with in that moment. Right now it’s the thought of being alone. This chapter has taught me that I do not need a boyfriend, for God knows the desires of my heart, and I have to trust that He will provide in His timing. If you are struggling with letting God be your comforter and are trying to overcome insecurity in your life, I recommend this book.

Tonight, God has blessed me with a family. We had a little devotional and played games. This included male role models. I look up to our college ministers. Their marriage has taught me what relationships are actually about. When I feel loved by one of the brothers, I get really emotional (I don’t do that often). I feel God’s love through them. I don’t flirt, I don’t manipulate—I just be myself. I’m fun, playful, aggressive, big-hearted, loving, and thoughtful. Tonight had its strengths and weaknesses. I found myself surrounded by the brothers rather than the sisters. I don’t think this is bad, but I also know how this could go. And I’ve been saying that I’ve felt left out from the sisters, which isn’t all on them. Sometimes I do it to myself by trying to find security in the brothers. Tonight there was Wii bowling, height differences, push-up contests, and Juicy Fruit gum. Yes, it was hard for me not to go back to my old ways, but each day God gives me the opportunity to grow—to be a daughter of the Lord.

I will always have a Father. I wouldn’t want to change it for anything else.
I love you, Lord.